Fleeting

Possibilities

In that nano moment between the beginning of thought and the beginning of breath, it has sunk back into the primordial swamp, that glimpse of realization, that wisp of clarity.

It started with longing, longing for the other, longing for the end of longing, longing for the self.
Self and other, one and all, all and nothing,
I am one. I am all. I am nothing.
One with the self, one with the all, one with the nothing,
The lotus sleeps in the swamp of all possibilities.

The Cape of Storms

 

The Cape of Storms

A beautiful, haunting song from the Japanese movie Last Quarter of the Moon that explores attachment beyond the grave and trying to find one’s way in the shadows, tossed by the raging seas…  OK the diction is not great, because Hyde  (Haido) is a Japanese singer-song writer, but it is otherwise mesmerizing, and completely captures the feeling of being in the dark night of the soul….. The link to a YouTube video at the bottom of the page.

So where do I sail?
A ship losing control
My cries swallowed up,
Lost in the raging sea

So where has love gone?
Will I ever reach it?
The Cape of Storms echoes the pain I feel inside

You’ll never notice
The colour of sin
Just as the storm clouds close in
It’s dark

Here in the shadows
I am pursued
Until the ends of the earth
Embraced

The ghost ship wanders far
For there is no guiding star
And this treasure has no meaning anymore

So where do I sail?
A ship losing control
My cries swallowed up,
Lost in the raging sea

So where has love gone?
Will I ever reach it?
The Cape of Storms echoes the pain I feel inside

You know completely
The taste of sin
Melting sweet in your mouth
Like chocolate

A moment of pleasure
You are fulfilled
But every dream has its time
To die

The ghost ship wanders far
For there is no guiding star
And this treasure has no meaning anymore

Will this be my fate?

So where do I sail?
A ship losing control
My cries swallowed up,
Lost in the raging sea

So where has love gone?
Will I ever reach it?
The Cape of Storms echoes the pain I feel inside

Click to view on YouTube: The Cape of Storms by Hyde

Reflection

Reflections

5pm. A parchment of an old bloke. Small, dark and wrinkled. One leg hiked up on the stone bench.  A cigarette dangling from the fingertips. Reflecting.

There was a time when infinity stretched in front, and the young were impatient with “when you grow up you will understand”. Now the years stretch behind and eternity looms ahead. Droplets of could-haves, should-haves, might-have-beens melt into the fog of apathy and forgetfulness. The afternoon sun disappears long before it slips into the night.

Little India to Clarke Quay

Pieces of the Puzzle

We walked from Petain Road to the Novotel, and covered the space of 5 years, 4 continents, several contexts and a few people. So the discussion yet unfinished is when, why and if the mid-life transition is universal in experience. Is it the exception or the rule?

Perhaps mid-life is a popular time to ponder these things, perhaps Daniel Levinson in his “Seasons of a Man’s Life” is accurate in his theory of ongoing adult development. Certainly in the theory of the archetypical Journey of the Hero, and in Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis the time of the descend into the unconscious and unlived aspects of our personalities are well known.

The time of mid-life transition is for me a time for deep introspection and questioning, due to a dissatisfaction with the realities I had been experiencing. It wasn’t the only time that these questions bothered me, it was the time that they bothered me enough that I could no longer ignore them. Life, without answers was unlivable. There had been a growing nagging discontent, a constant feeling that I was living in a world and a life through a fog. I felt a separation from all that was meaningful and worthwhile. Life as a one shot deal ending in eternal bliss or eternal suffering was pointless and waste of time . Life as a one shot deal ending in oblivion was equally senseless. If we are the only intelligent life-forms in this vast universe, isn’t that a waste of space?

The mystery of life was intriguing. The experience of an inner knowing and boundless space hinted of a bigger picture, a inside joke that I was not in on. The continuam of  life through the generations, through the genetic codes, and genetic mutation spoke of a higher order which also embraced chaos. The transfer of wisdom or lack-of through different societies and cultures spoke of the continuation of  evolution and revolution. The clues left by the discoveries and mistakes of  millenium of seekers after the truth proved that we are not satisfied with just this one experience, and need a deeper meaning for existing. What we are dissatisfied with are represented individually and universally in art, in poetry and  in war. What we seek is expressed as unity, divinity, emptiness, salvation, eternal life, as if we do not have it now and need it. It is a longing because of a belief in lack?

If we do not feel lack, then we do not seek. Whether this is a good or bad thing is debatable. If there is attachment to that state, then there is a potential of loosing it. Life is not static. Then there is a potential of feeling lack and the cycle is just waiting to start. If there is non-attachment, non- covetousness (equanimity) then the craving for non-lack does not occur.

Which journey do we want to take? How do we put the puzzle together? Who are we, and what are we doing here?  The question which is not asked need not be answered.

Seekers Seeking

Living on a Prayer by Jeremy Brooks

Watching her with hands clasped around a rosary, an ernest  expression on her face, lips quivering slightly, I wonder at the content of the prayer. Is it praise or pleading, is it anguish or ecstasy, self-flagellation or self-consolation? What are we after when we pray? What is the object relation between the pray-ee and the prayed to?

In every civilization, in every culture there is religion and spirituality. Even when there is a lack of religion as in the communist system, politics or economics take over that role. What exactly do we seek? Clarity? Solutions? Preferred outcome? Or just the experience of being connected, a certain level of mind consciousness experienced as light, space and bliss, like a drug trip?  We seek to sooth ruffled feathers and frayed nerves, like with a couple of shots of whiskey or a new Dior handbag? We seek the comfort of the familiar like hot soup on a cold day? In the end, we seek a mood? a mental-emotional-physical state of being? Are we making it way more complicated than it needs to be?

We all need hope for the future, and a reason for the past? We seek meaning, and if we don’t find it, we adopt the nearest approximation? There exist in most people, at some point, this yearning for the divine, for the truth, for the reason-to-be? On a cellular level, we learn to move towards or away from stimuli. On an emotional level, we learn to love or fear. In Enneagram-speak, it’s the Basic Desire and Basic Fear. In Buddhism it’s attachment and aversion – duality. What is not as well known is the 3rd position, equanimity. Is that the mental-emotional-physical state of being balanced? What is the difference in the level of consciousness between someone who is equanimous once in a while, and it does not last long, and one who is for the most part equanimous? Who suffers more when they are off-balanced?

What is this devotion, Bakti in sanskrit, and does the divine require of us devotion? Sacrifice? What level of consciousness requires oranges and bananas? Or the bloodshed of animals? What is it that seekers seek?How do they seek it?  And If they did find it, would they notice? Or it becomes just another branded handbag.